In a recent post over at Living Single, I reviewed Rachel Moran’s argument that second-wave feminism had forgotten the single woman. The focus, instead, was largely on the superwoman who could “have it all” – marriage, kids, and career.

Another significant theme from Moran’s paper was the argument that activists should turn their attention to the goal of emotional independence. First-wave feminism, she noted, was about political independence. The right to vote meant that women had their own political opinions – married women weren’t “covered” by the votes of their husbands. Second-wave feminism took on economic independence. With greater opportunities in the workplace, more women could earn their own way financially.

As long as the bonds between couples, and between parents and children, are the only relationships that are truly respected, women will not be emotionally independent. Instead, they will be dependent on having a spouse and children in order to be regarded as emotionally complete, and perhaps they will be inclined to internalize the same prejudice themselves. Many singles build networks of friends, relatives, and neighbors, but compared to marriage and traditional family, those personal communities are culturally invisible.

Here is Moran’s recommendation:

“The women’s movement now must make clear that its goal is not for women to follow a script of combining work and family. What ‘having it all’ should mean instead is that women can choose among a wide array of options related to careers and personal relationships. Singlehood, then, becomes simply one among many legitimate choices, a path that can lead to a full and happy life just as marriage and children can.” (p. 288)

I’d add two points. First, I’d like men to have the same array of options, and be respected for their choices, too. Second, in our quest to recognize a wider range of valuable relationships, we should not diminish the potential value of time spent alone. People vary in the mix of sociability and solitude that they find optimal, and those individual differences need to be respected, too.

[For my personal take on “having it all,” see Chapter 10 of Singled Out or this guest post over at Barbara Payne’s SWWAN blog.]

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